After almost a quarter of a century of brainstorming sessions, boardrooms, bars and body copy, I realised that I really wasn’t having fun anymore. Even worse, I was now the boring one. Since my new avatar as a voiceover (VO) artist was paying the bills, the commute from my bedroom to my home studio was ideal, and considering my advanced age and consequent can’t-do attitude, I decided it would be best to call it a night. But old habits die hard.

If you are a VO artist, you are required to keep your mouth shut and just read what has been handed to you. Doing both at the same time requires discipline – something I have never been accused of having. So, every time I looked at a script, I couldn’t resist tweaking a line here or substituting a word there, which was extremely unkind and worse, presumptuous. Considering that we are all playing for the same team – and if you are going to put words in my mouth, allow me to share a few tips that would make your scripts even better and my life easier.

Time It

There is nothing worse than cramming all the fun facts, features and figures into a 30-second spot (with the possible exception of a wasabi enema). Unless you are saying, “Tamaam dawain bachon ki pohanch se duur rakhain” or “may cause loss of appetite, mid-life crisis and an irrepressible desire to burst into song at inappropriate moments,” desist. The line between persuasive communication and white noise is well defined. Although, without a doubt, the script is the most critical aspect, the VO also has a significant role to play in making sure you are heard and, more importantly, believed. Sit down with a stopwatch, read the script aloud and check whether you are giving the VO artist room to play with. Maybe a chuckle, a pause or perhaps a change in inflection. Or we can do yet another version of Shankar Mahadevan’s Breathless. Totally your call.

Not Yoda, You Are

I have yet to meet a person in real life who says, “Ja raha thaa mein jaanib e jangal, junoon mein apnay.” While the urge to sound poetic is hard to resist, especially with our newly found ‘discovery’ of Urrduuu… Nobody speaks like that. People have a hard time believing advertising anyway, so why try and sound like a fairground conman or a stage magician? Why use jaanib when taraf will do just fine? Imagine how you would react if you asked your best bud what data package he uses or what you should order for dinner and he slowly turned towards you, looked deeply into your eyes and began to sprout incomprehensible and meandering prose. Depending on the stage your relationship is at, it could either be a dream come true or an absolute nightmare. I have a sneaking suspicion it may be the latter.

You Talking to Me?

And then, of course, the English scripts. The only person you are astounding by ingesting a thesaurus and then regurgitating it on what substitutes for parchment in this era, (see what I did here?), is either yourself or your client. Neither one of you is the one who is paying for that fancy apartment or that hybrid SUV or investing in that offshore haven. By all means, be clever, be interesting, be engaging… But for the love of all that is holy, be easy to understand. Shashi Tharoor is fun in small doses, but I wouldn’t want to be stuck with him on a Saturday night at whatever passes for the Ambanis in our world.

Most Times a Rhyme is a Crime

First of all, hardly anyone uses taglines anymore. It is just an extra bit of information for the audience to remember and has no bearing on the purchase decision. I was once part of a campaign that had the tagline “Life hai tou, Live kar lo.” I didn’t even write that abhorrent monstrosity, yet to this day my friends have not let me forget it. Secondly, forcing rhythm and meter into what should ideally be a conversation makes you sound like an extra from a Sanjay Leela Bhansali film that didn’t quite make it into the final cut. Please leave the poetry for the ISPR songs and for the back of trucks. I promise you, if your script is honest and persuasive, it will sing.

Bonus Content

My editor asked for between 900 and 1200 words. But I’m a strong believer in not saying more than what is needed. Try it sometime.

Ali Hayat is, among other things, an ad man.