So, here’s the story. Almost every agency in Pakistan is desperate to earn from markets other than our own. Everything is fragmented, kickbacks are rampant and the economy isn’t helping. We need something new and different. And in our desperate hunt for non-Pakistani clients, we ended up on a Zoom call with aliens. Yep, aliens. Let me tell you what happened.

It was a Tuesday afternoon and we were set to pitch to a big-shot startup-type prospect from the US. Somebody loaded enough with venture cash but would love the extended runway in their marketing budget by hiring third-world talent like ours.

Everything was ready. Slides polished, our portfolio curated to look more ‘global’ than it actually is, our agency creds rehearsed to perfection. But as we were dialling in, Asad, our IT guy, spilled chai all over our main router.

The internet went out, but curiously, the laptop we were all huddled around still had connectivity. It took a while to load, but when it did, we found ourselves in a very odd zoom call.

Instead of connecting with some tech bro, our screen is filled with swirling colours and an odd humming sound. The screen flickers and boom – there they are. Aliens. Not little green men, but more of a cross between an octopus and a Christmas tree. Sorry, no screen recording – we weren’t using the paid account. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Oddly enough, it seems we weren’t supposed to be on this call anyway. It was actually a session between two groups of ‘people’ (I’m using the word loosely); we were just the unintentional drop-ins. Odder still, they seemed to converse in English, albeit with thick South Indian accents. I don’t know if Asad had installed some janky AI translation extension on the laptop’s Zoom or if they just sort of have weird neutral language that converts automatically to the listener’s default.

Anyway, the conversation, as best as we could pick up, is about (cliché as it seems) their plans to colonise Earth. Words like “destroy” and “annihilation” are thrown around. The room goes silent, our hearts racing. This isn’t just a technical glitch; it’s a potential disaster. But it’s not because of what you think. You see, we’re not worried about long-term issues. As an agency, we live and die from quarter to quarter.

We are more concerned about the fact that we need to make this sale; we have to feed the growth machine… or else.

So, a junior hotshot from our team decides to improvise. She’s seen her bosses do this thing where they pivot their approach depending on how the client responds. So she tries to convince the aliens not to invade Earth because, well, Humans are awesome. She has the gift of the gab and got really good at these meetings during the Covid-19 lockdowns. Lo and behold, a few awkward introductions and some banter later, she’s got the aliens’ attention and sold them on the idea of doing a campaign about how humans deserve to be left in peace.

The creative director, recovering from his initial shock, launches into a pitch. “So, we get some really top-end celebrities and…” The agency team understands the angle even before he can complete the sentence. Suggesting a famous face is almost a knee-jerk reaction for agency types. It drives up production costs, and most clients love the prospect of sneaking a selfie with the talent on set. But before he can expand further, he is shot down by the alien council, who says they don’t care about social status or fame. It’s a primitive concept for them.

“Let’s do a jingle,” quips our ACD, battle-hardened by her time pitching in Pakistan, where this seems to be the silver bullet that works every time. But explaining this to the aliens is another story.

“Why would repetitive melodic phrases influence behaviour?” one asks, puzzled. The room goes silent again.

Instinctively, our PR lead picks up the baton. “Or, we could use influencers to create short-form content. We could do a TikTok-style dance challenge with them.” The same alien snaps back: “We’ve been observing your ‘doomscrolling’ practices. It seems unproductive and counterintuitive for a species of your evolutionary age. It’s one of the reasons we think Earth’s civilisation is going downhill. It won’t work in our corner of the universe.” These aliens were tough to please!

“Okay, picture this. The scene opens on a beautiful beach in Thailand. Then cut to the caves of Cappadocia. Then to a bustling street in Milan,” jumps in our production lead. For us, his approach is extremely transparent. A ploy to shoot at expensive locales to increase production margins. This sort of tactic usually works for local clients, especially fashion and apparel brands. “Yeah, but what’s the concept?” queries a scrawny-looking alien. “Uh, we’ll figure that part out later,” replies the production lead.

By now, our performance marketing resource had waltzed into the room and picked up on the challenge. She jumps in with her own suggestion: “I think you guys need quantity, not quality. Any content you generate will fatigue in a month or so. You need 500 different combinations of video assets that you can put into your equivalent of Google or Meta console and let the algo figure out the best-performing variants.”

The production and art department reps groan – this wasn’t something they particularly enjoyed. The aliens are unfazed. They explain that in their world, they are not drowning in ads like we are. So, frequency and quantity are not high on their list.

Our business lead, a new hire, decides it is time to bring out the big guns and enquires from the alien who seems in charge if there is anything they would like from a deal that would ‘make them happy.’ Yup, he was offering the aliens a kickback. He was smart about it, using subtlety not to offend them. As this seems to work with a lot of Pakistani clients, he was fairly confident in his approach. But the aliens, with their advanced mind-reading capabilities, call him out on it.

“We’re sensing that you want us to bribe you? That seems highly unethical and counterproductive.” Red-faced, he retreats from the camera frame.

For minutes that seemed like hours, an awkward silence prevails. We are out of ideas on how to convert this prospect. We are also slightly bummed that Earth was going to be invaded, but mostly we are concerned about our inability to sell a campaign.

Unexpectedly, the intern speaks up. “I think we need to think laterally. You will expend a lot of energy and effort to eradicate us and it seems unnecessary. We humans are already doing a pretty good job of that ourselves. As we sit here in our air-conditioned office, the outside temperature is the highest it’s ever been. There is a water shortage in Karachi and next week it may rain, and we’ll see urban flooding destroy life and property. And it’s not just Pakistan. We are waging wars on each other in the name of arbitrary lines sketched by politicians that have long been dead. We are consuming junk and reducing our time with nature. We use environmentally harmful stuff like single-use plastic without a second thought.”

“We are already destroying our own planet. Why don’t we, as an agency, make a Capcut edit of all the news headlines showing all the damage humans are doing and just end it with a line that says, ‘Let’s wait; they’ll wipe themselves out soon enough’ on a simple black frame?”

The aliens’ tones changed. “That… actually sounds pretty good. Logical, concise, and impactful. Yes, we like it!” The intern does a little dance, but nobody returns her high-fives. The other folks are jealous of her breakthrough.

“So does that mean the idea is approved? We win the project?” asks the intern. “Not yet. We like it, but we need to run it by our bosses. We’ll get back to you if your proposal is selected.”

A hush of dread falls over the agency. We know these words well. We will probably be ghosted after this call.

Umair Kazi is Partner, Ishtehari.