Our relationship with food is a lifelong journey, a complex tapestry woven with threads of biology, culture, emotion and memory. From the moment we are born, food is more than sustenance; it’s a language of love, a source of comfort, a symbol of celebration and sometimes, a battleground for control.

During infancy, food is synonymous with nurture. A mother’s milk, or the gentle warmth of a bottle, provides not only nourishment but a sense of security and connection. As we grow, food becomes intertwined with family traditions and cultural rituals. In many cultures, shared meals are the heart of family life, a time for bonding, and storytelling – where food becomes a powerful symbol of belonging, identity and love.

However, this intimate relationship can also be incredibly complicated. As children, we learn to use food as a bargaining chip, a reward for good behaviour or a punishment for transgressions. “Finish your roti, and you can have kheer!” is a common refrain in many households. This early association of food with emotions can lay the groundwork for a lifetime of using food to cope with stress, boredom or sadness.

The difficulty in separating food from emotion is deeply ingrained in our biology. The act of eating triggers the release of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. This reinforces the connection between food and positive feelings, making it challenging to approach food solely as fuel. In fact, the latest research tells us that sugar fires up the brain centre responsible for motivation – hence triggering a cascade of sweet cravings.

Cultural nuances further shape our relationship with food. In some cultures, abundance and generosity are expressed through lavish feasts and overflowing plates, while in others, restraint and moderation are valued. Take our iftar tables as an example. Whereas one must practice restraint while fasting, the iftar table is nothing short of indulgence after 13 to 16 hours of food deprivation.

These cultural norms can influence our eating habits, body image ideals, and attitudes towards food. If you have had a long day at work and did not make time for lunch, have a big dinner. If you are a health buff and have already eaten dessert once this week, a ‘cheat’ day is after seven days! Unfortunately, this complex relationship can sometimes manifest in unhealthy ways. Eating disorders, such as anorexia, bulimia and binge eating, are often rooted in a distorted relationship with food and body image. These disorders can have devastating physical and psychological consequences, highlighting the importance of addressing the emotional and cultural factors that contribute to them. The science of calorie counting has resulted in an obsession over how much energy we consume – ultimately translating to ‘If I am not expending enough, I don’t deserve to eat’.

There is also a complete lack of understanding of nutrient profiles which the system of calorie counting (and calorie counting apps) fail to take into consideration. This results in a hyper-awareness of calories but no satisfaction in terms of the kind of true nourishment you are giving your body on a cellular level.

Yet, food also has the power to heal and connect us to nature. Nutrigenomics, the study of how food interacts with our genes, reveals the profound impact of our diet on our health and wellbeing. Eating a variety of whole, unprocessed foods, rich in vitamins, minerals and antioxidants can optimise gene expression, reduce inflammation and support overall health. Food, in its purest form, speaks to our bodies and minds, providing not only sustenance but a sense of vitality and connection to the natural world.

Family eating habits play a significant role in our health. In many families, unhealthy eating patterns are passed down generations, contributing to the development of chronic diseases like diabetes, heart disease and obesity. Children who grow up in households where processed foods, sugary drinks and large portion sizes are the norm are more likely to develop these conditions later in life. Looking into family patterns of illness or eating habits can clue us into how we need to change our own eating habits. For example, if there is a predisposition to diabetes (40% of South Asians currently are), you may want to adopt a more diabetic-friendly way of eating preemptively.

The beauty of food lies not just in its flavours and textures but in its ability to bring people together, create memories, and nourish our bodies and souls. However, in today’s fast-paced world, we often lose sight of this beauty. We have shifted from ‘eat to live’ to ‘live to eat’ – prioritising convenience and instant gratification over mindful consumption. This has been further facilitated by food delivery apps. One click and we are bombarded with an array of colourful, enticing food images and when it comes to variety, the sky is the limit. And with just a few more clicks you can have a variety of foods delivered within minutes from different corners of the city. Hungry? Order in! Bored? Order in! Stressed? Order in! It’s that easy.

There is also a complete lack of understanding of nutrient profiles which the system of calorie counting (and calorie counting apps) fail to take into consideration. This results in a hyper-awareness of calories but no satisfaction in terms of the kind of true nourishment you are giving your body on a cellular level.

Eating out has also become a social activity, especially in a country like Pakistan, where there are fewer options for social activities outside the home. Eating out can be as simple as needing to get out of the house, meeting friends or celebrating with family and friends. While there is nothing inherently wrong with enjoying a meal out, the frequent consumption of hyper-palatable, processed foods can have detrimental effects on our health and our relationship with food. These foods are designed to be addictive, overriding our natural satiety signals and leading to overconsumption.

In contrast, preparing and sharing meals at home fosters a sense of connection, not just to our food but to our families and our cultural heritage. Cooking at home allows us to choose wholesome ingredients, control portion sizes, and savour the process of creating something nourishing and delicious. It’s an opportunity to slow down, engage with our senses, and appreciate the simple pleasures of a home-cooked meal.

Although our fundamental connection to food transcends gender, there are subtle yet significant ways men and women connect with food differently. These differences are shaped by biological, psychological, social and cultural factors.

Biologically, hormonal fluctuations throughout a woman’s menstrual cycle can affect her appetite and cravings. Pregnancy and lactation create unique nutritional demands. Men and women also differ metabolically, with men generally having higher muscle mass and lower body fat, influencing energy needs and food choices. This means that if women and men were to consume the same food in the same quantities, it would have a very different impact on either of them. We are only just beginning to understand that women have very different nutritional needs. Most studies in nutrition have historically only been conducted with male participants or with a very small female minority at best. Thankfully, this is changing.

Psychologically, women often face greater societal pressure regarding body image, potentially leading to restrictive diets and disordered eating. Emotional eating, while common in both genders, may be more prevalent in women due to hormonal and social factors. Traditional gender roles also influence food preparation and consumption.

Culturally, food and gender norms vary. Some cultures associate specific foods with masculinity or femininity. Men are supposed to be meat eaters, and in some households we see male members served first with more meat, and the women the opposite. Men might skip meals, while women tend to eat regularly. Women often prioritise healthy eating and weight management, while men may focus on taste and convenience. Understanding these differences is crucial if we are to turn around this skewed relationship we have with food while acknowledging the unique challenges each gender faces.

Reframing our relationship with food requires a conscious effort to shift our focus from pleasure and reward to nourishment and wellbeing. It’s about cultivating mindful eating habits, appreciating the cultural significance of food, and understanding the impact of our dietary choices on our health and the environment.

Nutritional excellence involves prioritising whole unprocessed foods, balanced macronutrients and micronutrient-rich diets. It is about understanding the power of food to fuel our bodies and minds, supporting optimal physiological function and disease prevention rather than focusing on calories in versus calories out or obsessing over outdated beliefs such as fat consumption being bad for health or that sugar consumption in any amount is ill-advised. We must remember that food is amoral. It is how and when we consume it that makes it either our medicine or our poison.

Body positivity asks that we embrace and celebrate our bodies in all shapes and sizes, and reject unrealistic beauty standards that can lead to disordered eating. There is so much misinformation about food and the role of macronutrients that it becomes impossible to understand how much food is to be consumed when, and in what combination. This is why men, but mostly women, resort to extreme diets because it takes some of the guesswork out of the equation. In our quest to look like a certain celebrity or model, or perhaps because an aunt commented the other day on how we have gained a bit of weight, we launch an effort of eating less. This doesn’t just create nutritional deficiencies, it programmes the body to store more fat, resulting in not just weight gain, but in weight loss resistance. We must focus on nourishing our bodies rather than punishing them. And it goes without saying that energy levels and moods improve when we eat the foods our body needs. Eating then becomes a form of self-care and not indulgence or punishment.

Intuitive eating is a far more powerful approach to eating than counting calories: Listening to our bodies’ hunger and fullness cues, honouring our cravings and rejecting restrictive diets that can lead to feelings of deprivation and guilt. This approach emphasises trusting our bodies to guide our food choices. Due to modern-day stressors (mental and physical), we have lost the ability to pick up hunger and satiety cues. We can reconnect with our bodies by trying to eat in a relaxed physical and mental state and chew very slowly. This allows the gut ample time to send fullness cues to the brain and tell us to stop. Similarly, timing meals and ensuring we make space to eat allows the body to receive timely hunger cues, which prevents overeating and helps us make better food choices. Slow eating and savouring food allow us to adequately digest and better absorb nutrients from our food. This also creates satiety and reduces cravings.

Learning about nutrition, cooking and the origins of our food to make informed choices and develop a deeper appreciation for what we eat is crucial. Understanding the science behind food empowers us to make healthier choices and cultivate a more mindful approach to eating. Understanding the concept of bio-individuality, where our body’s needs are unique from even our twin’s, helps us tailor our eating habits to allow us to thrive by eating what nourishes us and understanding that even healthy foods require moderation.

Culturally, we find women in Pakistan at two ends of the spectrum of wanting to cook; either they enjoy it and celebrate their role as nourishers or they resent the kitchen. In the former case, women develop the skills to cook and revel in the praise they receive. They take pride in being the ones who make the best choices for their family and are nourishers if not providers. In the latter, we find that gender norms find some women trapped in a role that they don’t enjoy and a skill that perhaps they were not able to develop. Family members can often be very critical when a meal is not to their liking. These women tend to develop a very unhealthy relationship with food and grow to resent cooking. This, in turn, makes them – and perhaps their families – rely on food from outside the home. In this respect, family dynamics around food, and not just the food table, can play a huge role in our eating habits and our connection with food.

By embracing some of these principles, we can transform our relationship with food from one of conflict and control to one of nourishment, joy and connection. It’s about educating ourselves and figuring out the foods our own unique bodies will thrive on and rediscovering the pleasure of eating, not just for the sake of indulgence, but for the sake of nourishing our bodies, minds and souls.

Nazish Chagla is a functional nutritionist and health coach. nazish@goodtoglow.net