When Your AI Turns into a Diva
The AI began as a dream come true, until suddenly, it decided it had enough of churning out inanities... Umair Kazi tells the tale.
☰
Auntie Algo and the Perfect Rishta
Did you know that Facebook was able to predict romantic relationships between people, even though they hadn’t explicitly fed that information into the system? In a 2013 study, researchers from Cornell University showed that the social platform could make projections on data patterns, such as interaction frequency, mutual profile visits, tagging behaviour and shared social circles, to infer romantic connections with surprising accuracy. It could even ‘predict’ an imminent breakup, weeks before it actually happened. That study was over a decade ago, and while Facebook is all but dead, the world of data-driven platforms has exponentially evolved.
Would it be so difficult then to imagine that the tables have turned? Facebook had Millennials to prey on. But today’s users, Gen Z, are a different beast altogether. As digital natives, they have a weird symbiotic relationship with new social media platforms. I was surprised to realise that they actually train the ad algo to show them a certain kind of ad and not the other! The power balance has shifted. Is it so hard to believe then that platforms, ever hungry for their data points, would want to strike a long and exclusive relationship with this famously fickle audience base? Here’s one such scenario: “Beta, idhar aao.”
Ugh. The words every desi my age dreads, especially when delivered from the floral sofa next to the perennial Danish biscuit tin, probably hiding sewing supplies instead of actual biscuits. I shuffle in, phone still in hand, already bracing for the talk. But today, Auntie Algo has a different sales pitch.
She adjusts her dupatta, leans in and dramatically reveals a deck of colour-coded cards, like she’s about to pull a tarot reading for my digital destiny.
“I have found some excellent matches for you. Dekho beta, every platform has its own personality – tumhari generation ke liye perfect rishtay.”
I blink. “Rishtay for… platforms?”. She drones on… “Yes! Each one has something unique. I will explain – let me know if you like any. Don’t be so negative – I have done my research, okay?” I sink into the cushion, unsure if I should be terrified or entertained. Auntie is now a digital rishta broker, and I’m apparently being matched with social media platforms. I play along.
She proudly holds up a neon pink card with a dancing silhouette. It’s surreptitiously TikTok-y without invoking the original IP. Auntie Algo is very smart about that. She continues: “Beta, it’s very entertaining. You will almost always go viral. Thirty-second clips mein nonstop entertainment! Aaj kal har bacha yeh use kar raha hai. Imagine the attention!”
I wince, conscious not to go into the classist stance of considering TikTok ‘awami’ in the wrong way. “Auntie, half the content is just people dancing badly to sped-up songs. It’s fun, I guess, but it’s also… chaos. One minute it’s life hacks to fix your diet, next it’s some dude walking on Khayaban-e-Bukhari with a random Russian trap electronica remix. The zero to cringe scores are off the charts.”
Auntie waves me off. “Aray, thoda sa excitement toh chahiye na life mein. Plus, with TikTok, you can make every second of your life count!”
I sigh. “Auntie, that sounds suspiciously like their slogan.”
“Haan, toh? Beta, duniya bhi toh follow karti hai.”
Next, she holds up a sleek pastel card – Instagram. She lowers her voice, as if revealing some weird elite rishta. “Beta, yeh classy option hai. Filtered sunsets, vacation ka aesthetic, latte art – sophisticated. A bit pretentious maybe, but who doesn’t want a little luxury?” I raise a brow. “Luxury? Auntie, it’s a constant flex. Half the people on there are faking vacations and editing their skin into oblivion. Even the ‘dumps’ are gorgeous. Do you know how much pressure it is to maintain an ‘aesthetic feed’?”
She nods knowingly. “Beta, dikhawa toh har jagah hota hai. And haven’t you seen those lifestyle influencers? Some people are even getting brand deals from this! Think of the exposure.”
“Exactly. Everyone’s just chasing clout. Insta makes you feel like you are failing at life just because your ‘candid’ moments don’t have golden-hour lighting.”Auntie shrugs, “Beta, thoda editing karna seekh lo phir.”
Now comes the red card with the iconic play button.
“Beta, ab yeh rishta bohot reliable hai. Parha likha feels. Tutorial ho, daily vlogs ho – sab kuch dikha aur sikha dega.” I nod. “Yeah, YouTube’s great for when you need to fix a leaking pipe or figure out ‘How to delete your ex’s Netflix profile without their password.’”
Auntie beams. “Dekha? Such a practical rishta! Don’t you agree, dear?”
I clear my throat. “But, Auntie, half of YouTube is just conspiracy theories and completely unnecessary video podcasts. And don’t get me started on the comment sections – troll central.”
She waves it off. “Aray, you are always so cynical. Har rishta mein flaws hote hain, beta.”
Auntie pulls out the yellow card. She’s heard that Gen Z types love the spicy, ethereal nature of Snapchat.
“Yeh rishta thoda… different hai. Disappearing messages. Fun, casual, koi evidence nahi rehta.”
I squint. “You mean the digital chaska rishta? The one who seems fun but ghosts you the minute things get serious?”
Auntie pauses. “Chalo, thoda unreliable hai, lekin carefree hai! Beta, not everything needs to be so serious. Kabhi kabhi casual dosti bhi zaroori hoti hai.”
I blink. “Auntie. Are you seriously justifying commitment issues right now?”
Auntie cautiously slides forward a grey card with a tiny alien icon.
“Beta, yeh rishta thoda…intellectual hai. Bohot knowledge hai issmein. Poore duniya ke log discuss karte hain – news, cricket conspiracies, mental health advice – sab kuch.”
I laugh. “Auntie, Reddit is that cousin who knows everything but also starts unnecessary arguments at family dinners. One minute it’s PSL sh*t-posting, next it’s ‘Is Foodpanda a Zionist conspiracy?’ threads. Also, half the advice comes from people using user names like ButtHurtChai47.”
She nods thoughtfully. “Dekho beta, thoda unconventional hai, lekin intelligent log hain wahan. Sirf opinions ko filter karna aana chahiye.”
I smirk. “Sure, but there’s a fine line between deep discussions and falling into a ‘who actually controls Bahria Town?’ rabbit hole.”
Auntie, unbothered: “Beta, a little intellectual discussion is necessary in life. You Gen Z lot waisay bhi sab kuch surface level pe dekhte ho.”
She holds up a minimalist white card with a camera icon. “Yeh rishta bohot real hai. No filters, no editing. Sirf sachai.”
I deadpan. “Auntie, it’s literally called BeReal but everyone posts selfies from Xander’s while pretending their life is spontaneous. People are faking authenticity now too.”
Auntie Algo seems at her wit’s end. Composing herself again, she neatly stacks the cards, eyeing me suspiciously. “Beta, your standards are too high. Har platform mein kuch na kuch achi baat toh hai. Just commit to a few!”
I sigh. “Auntie, it’s not about being picky. All of them have their moments, but none are worth committing to full-time. I would rather explore, use them for what they’re good at, and log off. No permanent decisions for me, thanks.”
Auntie raises an eyebrow. “Hmm. Commitment issues?” I grin. “Boundaries, auntie. They are called boundaries.”
She does this melancholy smile, packing away the cards. “Okay fine. But if you change your mind, beta… I have some up-and-coming suitors from X and Lemon8 I can show you next week.”
Umair Kazi is Partner, Ishtehari.
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I blink. “Rishtay for… platforms?”. She drones on… “Yes! Each one has something unique. I will explain – let me know if you like any. Don’t be so negative – I have done my research, okay?” I sink into the cushion, unsure if I should be terrified or entertained. Auntie is now a digital rishta broker, and I’m apparently being matched with social media platforms. I play along.
She proudly holds up a neon pink card with a dancing silhouette. It’s surreptitiously TikTok-y without invoking the original IP. Auntie Algo is very smart about that. She continues: “Beta, it’s very entertaining. You will almost always go viral. Thirty-second clips mein nonstop entertainment! Aaj kal har bacha yeh use kar raha hai. Imagine the attention!”
I wince, conscious not to go into the classist stance of considering TikTok ‘awami’ in the wrong way. “Auntie, half the content is just people dancing badly to sped-up songs. It’s fun, I guess, but it’s also… chaos. One minute it’s life hacks to fix your diet, next it’s some dude walking on Khayaban-e-Bukhari with a random Russian trap electronica remix. The zero to cringe scores are off the charts.”
Auntie waves me off. “Aray, thoda sa excitement toh chahiye na life mein. Plus, with TikTok, you can make every second of your life count!”
I sigh. “Auntie, that sounds suspiciously like their slogan.”
“Haan, toh? Beta, duniya bhi toh follow karti hai.”
Next, she holds up a sleek pastel card – Instagram. She lowers her voice, as if revealing some weird elite rishta. “Beta, yeh classy option hai. Filtered sunsets, vacation ka aesthetic, latte art – sophisticated. A bit pretentious maybe, but who doesn’t want a little luxury?” I raise a brow. “Luxury? Auntie, it’s a constant flex. Half the people on there are faking vacations and editing their skin into oblivion. Even the ‘dumps’ are gorgeous. Do you know how much pressure it is to maintain an ‘aesthetic feed’?”
She nods knowingly. “Beta, dikhawa toh har jagah hota hai. And haven’t you seen those lifestyle influencers? Some people are even getting brand deals from this! Think of the exposure.”
“Exactly. Everyone’s just chasing clout. Insta makes you feel like you are failing at life just because your ‘candid’ moments don’t have golden-hour lighting.”Auntie shrugs, “Beta, thoda editing karna seekh lo phir.”
Now comes the red card with the iconic play button.
“Beta, ab yeh rishta bohot reliable hai. Parha likha feels. Tutorial ho, daily vlogs ho – sab kuch dikha aur sikha dega.” I nod. “Yeah, YouTube’s great for when you need to fix a leaking pipe or figure out ‘How to delete your ex’s Netflix profile without their password.’”
Auntie beams. “Dekha? Such a practical rishta! Don’t you agree, dear?”
I clear my throat. “But, Auntie, half of YouTube is just conspiracy theories and completely unnecessary video podcasts. And don’t get me started on the comment sections – troll central.”
She waves it off. “Aray, you are always so cynical. Har rishta mein flaws hote hain, beta.”
Auntie pulls out the yellow card. She’s heard that Gen Z types love the spicy, ethereal nature of Snapchat.
“Yeh rishta thoda… different hai. Disappearing messages. Fun, casual, koi evidence nahi rehta.”
I squint. “You mean the digital chaska rishta? The one who seems fun but ghosts you the minute things get serious?”
Auntie pauses. “Chalo, thoda unreliable hai, lekin carefree hai! Beta, not everything needs to be so serious. Kabhi kabhi casual dosti bhi zaroori hoti hai.”
I blink. “Auntie. Are you seriously justifying commitment issues right now?”
Auntie cautiously slides forward a grey card with a tiny alien icon.
“Beta, yeh rishta thoda…intellectual hai. Bohot knowledge hai issmein. Poore duniya ke log discuss karte hain – news, cricket conspiracies, mental health advice – sab kuch.”
I laugh. “Auntie, Reddit is that cousin who knows everything but also starts unnecessary arguments at family dinners. One minute it’s PSL sh*t-posting, next it’s ‘Is Foodpanda a Zionist conspiracy?’ threads. Also, half the advice comes from people using user names like ButtHurtChai47.”
She nods thoughtfully. “Dekho beta, thoda unconventional hai, lekin intelligent log hain wahan. Sirf opinions ko filter karna aana chahiye.”
I smirk. “Sure, but there’s a fine line between deep discussions and falling into a ‘who actually controls Bahria Town?’ rabbit hole.”
Auntie, unbothered: “Beta, a little intellectual discussion is necessary in life. You Gen Z lot waisay bhi sab kuch surface level pe dekhte ho.”
She holds up a minimalist white card with a camera icon. “Yeh rishta bohot real hai. No filters, no editing. Sirf sachai.”
I deadpan. “Auntie, it’s literally called BeReal but everyone posts selfies from Xander’s while pretending their life is spontaneous. People are faking authenticity now too.”
Auntie Algo seems at her wit’s end. Composing herself again, she neatly stacks the cards, eyeing me suspiciously. “Beta, your standards are too high. Har platform mein kuch na kuch achi baat toh hai. Just commit to a few!”
I sigh. “Auntie, it’s not about being picky. All of them have their moments, but none are worth committing to full-time. I would rather explore, use them for what they’re good at, and log off. No permanent decisions for me, thanks.”
Auntie raises an eyebrow. “Hmm. Commitment issues?” I grin. “Boundaries, auntie. They are called boundaries.”
She does this melancholy smile, packing away the cards. “Okay fine. But if you change your mind, beta… I have some up-and-coming suitors from X and Lemon8 I can show you next week.”
Umair Kazi is Partner, Ishtehari.
Read Comments
Related Stories
I sigh. “Auntie, that sounds suspiciously like their slogan.”
“Haan, toh? Beta, duniya bhi toh follow karti hai.”
Next, she holds up a sleek pastel card – Instagram. She lowers her voice, as if revealing some weird elite rishta. “Beta, yeh classy option hai. Filtered sunsets, vacation ka aesthetic, latte art – sophisticated. A bit pretentious maybe, but who doesn’t want a little luxury?” I raise a brow. “Luxury? Auntie, it’s a constant flex. Half the people on there are faking vacations and editing their skin into oblivion. Even the ‘dumps’ are gorgeous. Do you know how much pressure it is to maintain an ‘aesthetic feed’?”
She nods knowingly. “Beta, dikhawa toh har jagah hota hai. And haven’t you seen those lifestyle influencers? Some people are even getting brand deals from this! Think of the exposure.”
“Exactly. Everyone’s just chasing clout. Insta makes you feel like you are failing at life just because your ‘candid’ moments don’t have golden-hour lighting.”Auntie shrugs, “Beta, thoda editing karna seekh lo phir.”
Now comes the red card with the iconic play button.
“Beta, ab yeh rishta bohot reliable hai. Parha likha feels. Tutorial ho, daily vlogs ho – sab kuch dikha aur sikha dega.” I nod. “Yeah, YouTube’s great for when you need to fix a leaking pipe or figure out ‘How to delete your ex’s Netflix profile without their password.’”
Auntie beams. “Dekha? Such a practical rishta! Don’t you agree, dear?”
I clear my throat. “But, Auntie, half of YouTube is just conspiracy theories and completely unnecessary video podcasts. And don’t get me started on the comment sections – troll central.”
She waves it off. “Aray, you are always so cynical. Har rishta mein flaws hote hain, beta.”
Auntie pulls out the yellow card. She’s heard that Gen Z types love the spicy, ethereal nature of Snapchat.
“Yeh rishta thoda… different hai. Disappearing messages. Fun, casual, koi evidence nahi rehta.”
I squint. “You mean the digital chaska rishta? The one who seems fun but ghosts you the minute things get serious?”
Auntie pauses. “Chalo, thoda unreliable hai, lekin carefree hai! Beta, not everything needs to be so serious. Kabhi kabhi casual dosti bhi zaroori hoti hai.”
I blink. “Auntie. Are you seriously justifying commitment issues right now?”
Auntie cautiously slides forward a grey card with a tiny alien icon.
“Beta, yeh rishta thoda…intellectual hai. Bohot knowledge hai issmein. Poore duniya ke log discuss karte hain – news, cricket conspiracies, mental health advice – sab kuch.”
I laugh. “Auntie, Reddit is that cousin who knows everything but also starts unnecessary arguments at family dinners. One minute it’s PSL sh*t-posting, next it’s ‘Is Foodpanda a Zionist conspiracy?’ threads. Also, half the advice comes from people using user names like ButtHurtChai47.”
She nods thoughtfully. “Dekho beta, thoda unconventional hai, lekin intelligent log hain wahan. Sirf opinions ko filter karna aana chahiye.”
I smirk. “Sure, but there’s a fine line between deep discussions and falling into a ‘who actually controls Bahria Town?’ rabbit hole.”
Auntie, unbothered: “Beta, a little intellectual discussion is necessary in life. You Gen Z lot waisay bhi sab kuch surface level pe dekhte ho.”
She holds up a minimalist white card with a camera icon. “Yeh rishta bohot real hai. No filters, no editing. Sirf sachai.”
I deadpan. “Auntie, it’s literally called BeReal but everyone posts selfies from Xander’s while pretending their life is spontaneous. People are faking authenticity now too.”
Auntie Algo seems at her wit’s end. Composing herself again, she neatly stacks the cards, eyeing me suspiciously. “Beta, your standards are too high. Har platform mein kuch na kuch achi baat toh hai. Just commit to a few!”
I sigh. “Auntie, it’s not about being picky. All of them have their moments, but none are worth committing to full-time. I would rather explore, use them for what they’re good at, and log off. No permanent decisions for me, thanks.”
Auntie raises an eyebrow. “Hmm. Commitment issues?” I grin. “Boundaries, auntie. They are called boundaries.”
She does this melancholy smile, packing away the cards. “Okay fine. But if you change your mind, beta… I have some up-and-coming suitors from X and Lemon8 I can show you next week.”
Umair Kazi is Partner, Ishtehari.
Read Comments
Related Stories
Auntie pulls out the yellow card. She’s heard that Gen Z types love the spicy, ethereal nature of Snapchat.
“Yeh rishta thoda… different hai. Disappearing messages. Fun, casual, koi evidence nahi rehta.”
I squint. “You mean the digital chaska rishta? The one who seems fun but ghosts you the minute things get serious?”
Auntie pauses. “Chalo, thoda unreliable hai, lekin carefree hai! Beta, not everything needs to be so serious. Kabhi kabhi casual dosti bhi zaroori hoti hai.”
I blink. “Auntie. Are you seriously justifying commitment issues right now?”
Auntie cautiously slides forward a grey card with a tiny alien icon.
“Beta, yeh rishta thoda…intellectual hai. Bohot knowledge hai issmein. Poore duniya ke log discuss karte hain – news, cricket conspiracies, mental health advice – sab kuch.”
I laugh. “Auntie, Reddit is that cousin who knows everything but also starts unnecessary arguments at family dinners. One minute it’s PSL sh*t-posting, next it’s ‘Is Foodpanda a Zionist conspiracy?’ threads. Also, half the advice comes from people using user names like ButtHurtChai47.”
She nods thoughtfully. “Dekho beta, thoda unconventional hai, lekin intelligent log hain wahan. Sirf opinions ko filter karna aana chahiye.”
I smirk. “Sure, but there’s a fine line between deep discussions and falling into a ‘who actually controls Bahria Town?’ rabbit hole.”
Auntie, unbothered: “Beta, a little intellectual discussion is necessary in life. You Gen Z lot waisay bhi sab kuch surface level pe dekhte ho.”
She holds up a minimalist white card with a camera icon. “Yeh rishta bohot real hai. No filters, no editing. Sirf sachai.”
I deadpan. “Auntie, it’s literally called BeReal but everyone posts selfies from Xander’s while pretending their life is spontaneous. People are faking authenticity now too.”
Auntie Algo seems at her wit’s end. Composing herself again, she neatly stacks the cards, eyeing me suspiciously. “Beta, your standards are too high. Har platform mein kuch na kuch achi baat toh hai. Just commit to a few!”
I sigh. “Auntie, it’s not about being picky. All of them have their moments, but none are worth committing to full-time. I would rather explore, use them for what they’re good at, and log off. No permanent decisions for me, thanks.”
Auntie raises an eyebrow. “Hmm. Commitment issues?” I grin. “Boundaries, auntie. They are called boundaries.”
She does this melancholy smile, packing away the cards. “Okay fine. But if you change your mind, beta… I have some up-and-coming suitors from X and Lemon8 I can show you next week.”
Umair Kazi is Partner, Ishtehari.
Read Comments
Related Stories
I deadpan. “Auntie, it’s literally called BeReal but everyone posts selfies from Xander’s while pretending their life is spontaneous. People are faking authenticity now too.”
Auntie Algo seems at her wit’s end. Composing herself again, she neatly stacks the cards, eyeing me suspiciously. “Beta, your standards are too high. Har platform mein kuch na kuch achi baat toh hai. Just commit to a few!”
I sigh. “Auntie, it’s not about being picky. All of them have their moments, but none are worth committing to full-time. I would rather explore, use them for what they’re good at, and log off. No permanent decisions for me, thanks.”
Auntie raises an eyebrow. “Hmm. Commitment issues?” I grin. “Boundaries, auntie. They are called boundaries.”
She does this melancholy smile, packing away the cards. “Okay fine. But if you change your mind, beta… I have some up-and-coming suitors from X and Lemon8 I can show you next week.”
Umair Kazi is Partner, Ishtehari.