And the award goes to...

1) Best use of a white lab coat in a commercial

If your commercial included a white lab coat, this could be the category for you. The jury would award points based on the amount of time spent on said coat, whether the idea was based around it, and how convincing the ‘doctor’ or ‘scientist’ looks. Bonus points if it’s a gora in a lab coat, and if it looks like they are in a lab worthy of building a nuclear submarine.

2) Most emphatic utterance of the phrase ‘jee haan!’

The go-to phrase for the bridge between setting up an offer and then reinforcing the offer (for example: Kya such mein meray maamoo ko aik lakh minute muft milain ge? JEE HAAN! Ab haasil karain aik laakh minute bilkul muft maamoo ke liye!). The jury would select winners based on the excitability of the tone of delivery and the increase in decibels relative to the rest of the commercial.

3) Fastest interruption of a cricket match with a commercial

The commercial suddenly pops up while the world is glued to the TV screen to see whether the catch was carried! You could win big here. Points would also be awarded based on the exit point of commercial and entry point of match: for instance, halfway through a bowling run-up is clearly not as effective as when the batsman has already played the shot.

Sub-category 3a. Most ironic timing of a radio commercial beginning with “This wicket was brought to you by…”

A cricket game has two teams. The jury could award points for this category based on how effectively the brand also sponsored all the wickets the opposing side took by playing the same radio plug through the entire game.

4) Best dubbing of a foreign ad that doesn’t quite match but what the hell we’ll run it anyway

A special jury would be selected for this category: one that has always liked watching badly dubbed 1980s Hong Kong-made action films. If your commercial has a moment where your ears hear the word ‘soap’, while clearly the mouth of the foreign actor on screen is saying ‘Constantinople’, then we highly recommend this category.

5) Best demonstration of client playing creative

If the agency can clearly exhibit how the script went from a Cannes contender to one in which an entire creative department wanted to douse themselves with gasoline and light a match, this category would hold promise for you. Bonus points if the tagline, headline or logo size actually came from the client.

Caution: This might turn out to be the most popular category at the show.

6) Best outdoor that doesn’t make sense unless you have seen the TVC

Why treat outdoor as its own strong medium when you can simply connect it to the TVC? The jury would base their decision on how closely the outdoor is tied to the storyboard, and if the selected photography is from the set itself or looks almost like an actual screen grab. The blinder the outdoor without the TVC, the more points one could gain.

Sub-category 6a: Most effective use of a lit-up billboard aka ‘creative outdoor’:

When ideas are scarce and you hear the phrase ‘Lightain laga lain,’ this is the category you would think of entering. The jury would award one extra point for each generator attached to the billboard. Reflectors would also be acknowledged.

7) Best usage of the phrase ‘Number One’

If your campaign is based around the notion that your brand is ‘Number One’ in its category, then you would be eligible to enter. Bonus points if said message is delivered with extra oomph while a model or celebrity is holding up the index finger at camera. Possibility to win Grand Prix if your competitor is also claiming that it is Number One.

8) Most creative use of the Pakistani family combo: dad, mom, son, daughter-in-law, father-in-law and mother-in-law

The breakdown of the points in this category could work as follows: 30% most effective inclusion of a dining table in Pakistani family combo. Thirty percent on the demonstration of how good the wife/bahu is with her cooking/tea making. Forty percent on how clearly communicated is the husband/in-laws’ approval rating of said wife/bahu.

9) Best in digital

The jury would upload on Facebook the question: “Should this win? Like if you agree, and comment if you disagree.”

10) Best usage of brand colours in commercial

Also categorised under the ‘Suspension of Disbelief’ section, this would be a great chance to win big for the hydrogen-bomb explosion of the brand colour in a chosen commercial. If yellow is your brand colour, then it is not a random coincidence that every single person in the commercial is wearing a yellow outfit and the dog is also yellow, and hey, so is the cake. Points will not be awarded for actual things that are yellow (for instance, “We even got a shot of the yellow sun.”).

11) Best item number

Frankly, we are shocked this isn’t a category.

Ali Rez is a Creative Director who consults between South Asia and the Middle East. He has won at Cannes, Clios, One Show, the New York Festivals, the London International Awards, the San Francisco Show, Communication Arts, and Spikes.